Welcome to Sex & Coffee, the series where we casually chat about sex, sexuality, sexual health, gender, and overall sexual education, as if we’re two pals chatting over coffee. And I’ll also likely be drinking coffee nearly every time I write this. Feel free to grab a cup as you read!
Hello friends and welcome back to Sex & Coffee, the segment where we talk about sex and sexuality!
Today I want to talk about orgasms, more specifically, faking orgasms.
A study conducted in the U.S. and the UK for Dr. Ed.com in 2017 surveyed 2,000 men and women who identified as straight, gay, or bisexual. The study doesn’t specify if the men and women surveyed were cisgender or transgender, but based on reading the study it seems as if the lack of specification means all participants were cis. In all of the research I did to find stats about faking orgasms, the only studies I found were conducted between “men” and “women.” I couldn’t find any more inclusive studies. In order to quote the study accurately, I’ll use the terms they used when surveying participants.
As I was not surprised to find out after reading the study, more women faked orgasms during sex than men did. 68% of women surveyed faked it at some point, while only 27% of men faked it. Many other studies have been done on this topic and they all reveal the same thing: women fake more orgasms than men.
So why are people faking orgasms in the first place? Various reasons contribute to this. Maybe you’ve been having sex for a while and you’re feeling sore or wanting it to be over soon. Maybe you are having sex with a new partner and you don’t feel comfortable enough with this person to tell them exactly what you want. Maybe you’re not sure what will make you orgasm and you’re afraid sex isn’t “good” unless you do. Although I understand the thought process behind faking it, these are all bad reasons to fake it because you should NEVER fake an orgasm. Faking orgasms ruins your sex life, but more on that in a minute.
(Sidenote: If you aren't able to have an orgasm, you might be too stuck in your head to relax into the experience, however you could also consult your doctor to find some more info on what might be causing this. Additionally, try masturbating to get a sense of what feels good for you.)
First thing’s first: sex is too orgasm-centric. The main goal of sex should not be orgasm. If you are having sex making orgasm your only goal, you set yourself up for disappointment if you don’t reach this “goal.” You could also psych yourself out if you are thinking too hard about orgasm rather than paying attention to the experience you are having. Sex is a mutual exchange of pleasure. Rather than making orgasm your goal during sex, make pleasure exchange your focus. The not orgasming during sex isn’t ruining your sex life, but the faking an orgasm is.
When you fake an orgasm, not only are you denying yourself a release of pleasure, but you are telling your partner, “That thing you just did was really good and made me cum,” even though that isn’t true. Your partner isn’t going to know what actually will please you if you are pretending what they are doing is really enjoyable. You are not rude or greedy for telling them what you want or need.
Sex is about having fun and feeling pleasure within yourself and with your partner or partners. Within this mutual exchange of pleasure, that can mean that you are having really good sex and you feel pleasure, but you’re not so sure you are going to have an orgasm. That doesn’t mean you failed at sex. You can have good sex without having an orgasm every time. Plus, most people with vaginas do not orgasm from penetrative sex alone. However, you deserve to experience pleasure, and you shouldn’t be afraid to communicate with your partner what you want and what feels good. If you know you have an orgasm hiding deep inside you and you know what you need your partner to do to get you there, speak up! If you do speak up and you still don’t orgasm, that doesn’t mean you’re having “bad” sex. As long as you are truly experiencing and exchanging pleasure, that's all that matters.
Maybe the sex is over and your partner orgasmed, but you did not and you’d still like to. Have your partner use their hands, mouth, or a sex toy on you. If your partner came and you didn’t but you feel totally satisfied and pleased, then good on you- you don’t have to orgasm. Pay attention to your body and what feels good and what you want. Tell your partner. Encourage them to communicate what they want with you. More communication and fewer faked orgasms lead to better and more fulfilling sex. You deserve it.
