At the end of the summer, I realized that this past summer
was definitely tied for the best summer I’ve experienced so far in my existence
(the other contender is the summer between junior and senior year of high school.
Shout out to The Gals). Coming off such a great summer, I was anxious to begin
another school year, learn tons of new stuff, see my friends again, and
probably make some new ones. After feeling so free and full of inspiration and
life over the summer, I’ve found myself not feeling that same bit of magic
since school has started.
Since I’m a junior now, all of my classes relate to my major
and minors, meaning I’m in all English and art classes. That sounds so prime,
right? Well, for some reason it’s not as fulfilling as I anticipated. Although
I’m enjoying creating and reading in all of my classes, I’ve realized that for
the first time that I can recall, school isn’t the main thing I want to focus
my energy on. After being at school for part of the summer, working a little
and having time to spend hours in a coffee shop writing (I’m not an asshole, I
swear), or spend the afternoon sitting on my front porch sketching, I kind of
wish I had that same bit of time to freely create and do things that make my
soul happy. School certainly does make my soul happy, but I suppose I got too
used to being more in control of my time.
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| The Gals, this summer |
I write and edit for a beautiful online magazine called the Lala, and that is quickly becoming something I wish I could spend more time
with. I’ve also done several commissioned art projects over the past few months, and
I wish I could spend more time on those, rather than squeezing them in between
school things. Even outside of creating things on my own time, I crave more
time to create and sustain relationships with others. I live with two of my best
friends in a small room in my sorority house, yet there have been several times
throughout this semester where we’ve gone days without seeing one another
because we’re all so busy. Outside of that friendship, I have other
relationships that I wish I had more time for as well. It’s just a strange
place to be mentally, where I know that all of the people and opportunities I
have are because of me being at school, yet I wish I didn’t have school to distract
me from these people and opportunities.
This feels a bit like I’m coming across saying I’m not
enjoying school, and that’s not the case. I can’t properly articulate how I
feel. I guess I’m just lazy and wish I didn’t have things to do all the time. I
feel like school is something I have to do, rather than something I’m excited
for. I still get excited about school, but not as consistently as I have in the
past. I think it’s because I’m straddling the idea of being a student and being
in the so-called “Butler Bubble,” and wanting to break out of this bubble and
do things “in real life” that I want to do.
I know next year as a senior when “real life” is quickly
approaching, I’ll crave more time in the bubble, but this is how I feel now. I’ve
concluded that just because I feel differently about school and my focuses are
changing, that doesn’t mean that’s not okay. I still love learning. I still
enjoy all my classes. I’m still creating things and improving my creative
skills because of my peers and professors. I just would like the space to apply
these things to projects outside of school.
Do you feel the same way? Stuck in a rut between doing
school things and wanting to do outside of school things? Not sure? Think about
it. Self-reflection is fun.
