Some Good Bits Sprinkled Throughout

The twenty-fifth year of my life has been the worst year of my life.

I kicked off 25 by having eight (YES EIGHT!!!) of my friends cancel coming to my birthday party the day of (THE DAY OF!!!) when they’d all confirmed two weeks (TWO WEEKS!!!) prior that they’d be there. Things only got worse, harder, and sadder from there, but I’m not ready to write about that yet.

This year of my life, and 2019 in particular, has been really challenging. I’ve felt lost and sad in ways I’ve never experienced before, and it’s been extremely hard and discouraging. Although this year has sucked, there have been good bits sprinkled throughout.

I want to reflect on the things that I’ve done and the friends I have that helped me (and continue to help me) sprinkle those good bits throughout. Things that have helped me this past year, in no particular order:

1. Watching television

            -Re-watching the whole series of Broad City in preparation of the final season.

-The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, New York, Potomac, and Dallas

-Vanderpump Rules

-Grace and Frankie

            -Killing Eve

            -The Great British Baking Show

2. Friends that let me endlessly share my feelings with them without judgement: Hana, Drew, Mimi, Alexis

3. Friends that remind me to and help me to have fun: Alexandria, Amir, Sam, Brandon, Alexis

4. Unrequited and insignificant crushes

5. Feminist book club

6. My mom. She is amazing and would literally do anything for me at any time. And has.

7. My dad. He sends me quotes and emails so encouraging and beautiful they make me cry.

8. Hugs from my little brother. He is so sweet and good.

9. A listening ear from my older brother. He is blunt and says “that sucks” when things suck instead of trying to tell me things aren’t that bad, and I appreciate that.

10. Spending time outside

11. Growing plants, especially sunflowers, peppers, tomatoes, and some succulents

12. Making art, even if it’s not complete or “good” or even if I don’t understand what it is or why I’m making it.

13. Work. Teaching and writing have been wonderful, healthy, and fruitful distractions.

14. Therapy

15. Yoga and meditation, even when I don’t feel like it or I get easily distracted

16. Eating a lot of fruits and vegetables

17. Spending time putting on makeup and picking out a sassy outfit to go out with friends

18. Taking lots of selfies each time I put on makeup and a sassy outfit to go out with friends

19. SHAMELESSLY posting those selfies on Instagram

20. The stray cats in my apartment complex a.k.a Patio Cats

21. Going for wogs (walk/jogs). I coined that term. Feel free to use it, but plz give me full credit.

22. Allowing myself to feel my feelings and trying really hard not to judge myself for it

23. Crying. Eating ice cream. Wine. More crying.

24. Listening to lots of podcasts

            -“Not Too Deep with Grace Helbig”

- “This Might Get Weird”

-“Hannahlyze This”

-“How I Built This”

-“Armchair Expert”

-“You Made it Weird”

-“Don’t Blame Me”

-“On Being with Krista Tippett”

25. Watching Youtube videos

- Grace Helbig
-Mamrie Hart

-Carly and Erin

-Emma Chamberlain

-Ladylike

-The Try Guys

26. Spending time thinking about just myself

27. Deciding to do things just because they’re fun

28. Doing things alone. Hanging out with myself and remembering I really like me

29. Spending time with old friends who really know me

30. Spending time with my family

31. Personality tests, astrology, and crystals

32. Taking mini trips by myself to visit good friends

33. Taking my first trip by myself and flying alone for the first time

34. Going for walks

35. Saging my apartment while listening to Lizzo

36. Journaling even when it seems overwhelming and I end up crying

37. Getting matching tattoos with my mom

I’m really proud of myself for all of the hard work and love I’ve put into myself and my emotional well-being. I’m grateful for being able to binge watch my favorite tv shows. I’m thankful for my family. I’m thankful I can go to therapy. I’m thankful for friends who have been there for me in ways I’ve never needed them before. And I’m thankful for myself and my emotions and ability to process what I’m feeling even when it’s scary or overwhelming.

There’s a Zora Neale Hurston quote from Their Eyes Were Watching God that goes, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” This year has asked a lot of questions and provided few answers. That’s hard and continues to be hard. I imagine this next year will also keep asking questions, and I’m looking forward to when I start getting some answers. Until then, I’ll be painting, watching reality tv, and posting photos of my Patio Cats on Instagram.