Faking Orgasms is Ruining Your Sex Life

 Welcome to Sex & Coffee, the series where we casually chat about sex, sexuality, sexual health, gender, and overall sexual education, as if we’re two pals chatting over coffee. And I’ll also likely be drinking coffee nearly every time I write this. Feel free to grab a cup as you read!

Hello friends and welcome back to Sex & Coffee, the segment where we talk about sex and sexuality!

Today I want to talk about orgasms, more specifically, faking orgasms.

A study conducted in the U.S. and the UK for Dr. Ed.com in 2017 surveyed 2,000 men and women who identified as straight, gay, or bisexual. The study doesn’t specify if the men and women surveyed were cisgender or transgender, but based on reading the study it seems as if the lack of specification means all participants were cis. In all of the research I did to find stats about faking orgasms, the only studies I found were conducted between “men” and “women.” I couldn’t find any more inclusive studies. In order to quote the study accurately, I’ll use the terms they used when surveying participants.

As I was not surprised to find out after reading the study, more women faked orgasms during sex than men did. 68% of women surveyed faked it at some point, while only 27% of men faked it. Many other studies have been done on this topic and they all reveal the same thing: women fake more orgasms than men.

So why are people faking orgasms in the first place? Various reasons contribute to this. Maybe you’ve been having sex for a while and you’re feeling sore or wanting it to be over soon. Maybe you are having sex with a new partner and you don’t feel comfortable enough with this person to tell them exactly what you want. Maybe you’re not sure what will make you orgasm and you’re afraid sex isn’t “good” unless you do. Although I understand the thought process behind faking it, these are all bad reasons to fake it because you should NEVER fake an orgasm. Faking orgasms ruins your sex life, but more on that in a minute.

(Sidenote: If you aren't able to have an orgasm, you might be too stuck in your head to relax into the experience, however you could also consult your doctor to find some more info on what might be causing this. Additionally, try masturbating to get a sense of what feels good for you.)

First thing’s first: sex is too orgasm-centric. The main goal of sex should not be orgasm. If you are having sex making orgasm your only goal, you set yourself up for disappointment if you don’t reach this “goal.” You could also psych yourself out if you are thinking too hard about orgasm rather than paying attention to the experience you are having. Sex is a mutual exchange of pleasure. Rather than making orgasm your goal during sex, make pleasure exchange your focus. The not orgasming during sex isn’t ruining your sex life, but the faking an orgasm is.

When you fake an orgasm, not only are you denying yourself a release of pleasure, but you are telling your partner, “That thing you just did was really good and made me cum,” even though that isn’t true. Your partner isn’t going to know what actually will please you if you are pretending what they are doing is really enjoyable. You are not rude or greedy for telling them what you want or need.

Sex is about having fun and feeling pleasure within yourself and with your partner or partners. Within this mutual exchange of pleasure, that can mean that you are having really good sex and you feel pleasure, but you’re not so sure you are going to have an orgasm. That doesn’t mean you failed at sex. You can have good sex without having an orgasm every time. Plus, most people with vaginas do not orgasm from penetrative sex alone. However, you deserve to experience pleasure, and you shouldn’t be afraid to communicate with your partner what you want and what feels good. If you know you have an orgasm hiding deep inside you and you know what you need your partner to do to get you there, speak up! If you do speak up and you still don’t orgasm, that doesn’t mean you’re having “bad” sex. As long as you are truly experiencing and exchanging pleasure, that's all that matters.

Maybe the sex is over and your partner orgasmed, but you did not and you’d still like to. Have your partner use their hands, mouth, or a sex toy on you. If your partner came and you didn’t but you feel totally satisfied and pleased, then good on you- you don’t have to orgasm. Pay attention to your body and what feels good and what you want. Tell your partner. Encourage them to communicate what they want with you. More communication and fewer faked orgasms lead to better and more fulfilling sex. You deserve it.

 

Introduction to Sex & Coffee

Welcome to Sex & Coffee, the series where we casually chat about sex, sexuality, sexual health, gender, and overall sexual education, as if we’re two pals chatting over coffee. And I’ll also likely be drinking coffee nearly every time I write this. Feel free to grab a cup as you read!

 

Hello Internet,

 

My name is Bekah and I love sex. I love talking about sex, learning about sex, and sharing what I’ve learned with others. I grew up going to Catholic school kindergarten through twelfth grade, so to put it bluntly, my sexual education experience through school was a joke. We had a woman who was not a sexual educator (she wasn’t even a teacher) come in to tell us that condoms don’t protect against STDs, then pass out “I am worth waiting for” stickers. Nice.

 

Thankfully, I have a wonderful, badass mother who created an environment at home that welcomed an open dialogue about anything, including sex. I have a memory of my mom talking with me about sex and answering questions I had and her telling me sex was fun and felt good. What a cool mom.

 

As an undergraduate student at Butler University, I was an art major, creative writing minor, and gender, women, and sexuality studies minor. My work within gender and sexuality studies intensely fascinated me because it helped me use my critical thinking skills essential to being an artist and writer, but allowed me to apply them to real life things affecting lives. My senior year at Butler I took a human sexuality class that completely captivated me. I came home each Monday and Wednesday telling my roommates sexuality facts and things about their bodies I learned in class that day. Whether they were interested or not, they listened to me (thanks pals). This human sexuality class ended up influencing all of my creative work my senior year—I did a series of drawings depicting genitals as characters doing every day things, and my senior thesis was a series of paintings surrounding feminine sexuality. I also wrote a series of poems about sex and the body. At the end of the semester I ended up buying my rented human sexuality textbook because I was just too fascinated to let it go.

 

Through my studies in my undergraduate career and through consistently reading and viewing sex ed resources online, I’ve piled up a lot of exciting sexual education info that I’m dying to share. The fact of the matter is our society feels weird talking about sex. Although women’s bodies are hyper-sexualized and often used as props to sell products, and we see sex scenes in nearly every PG-13 movie out now, we feel weird talking about sex. That’s silly to me, as sex is a natural, biological human drive (although some people don’t experience the desire to have sex, but don’t worry, that will be covered in another post another time!).

 

In this segment on my blog, “Sex & Coffee,” I’m going to share some of my sex ed knowledge and findings with you, and hopefully we can learn some things together as well. Topics will range from different types of birth control, the clitoris, does penis matter?, LGBTQ+ sex and sexual health, communicating with your partner, AND MORE!!!!

 

I am seriously so excited to continue learning more and sharing with you the groovy things I learn. Hopefully you’ll stick around and learn with me.

 

 

Masks Are Making Us Hotter: A Theory

In this day and age of coronavirus, it is very obvious everyone is wearing masks when they go out. Most states or cities have even made it required to wear a mask whenever you go into a public space. Thank goodness. Additionally, COVID experts have said that if everyone wears a mask 80% of the time, we could finally get a handle on the spread of the virus. It’s abundantly clear that wearing a mask is responsible and essential as we return to work and other public spaces. Besides being essential to combatting the pandemic and protecting yourself and those around you, masks will also make us all hotter.

 

You might be confused, but don’t worry dear reader, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. To help you better understand, a metaphor:

 

As a society, we love boobs. Besides being essential sex organs to feed a child, breasts are also cute, sexy, and fun, and most people go crazy for them. Part of the appeal is the ~mystery~ behind boobs. They are concealed most of the time, giving us time to wonder, what might those breasts look like out in the open? The wondering is what eroticizes them. So much so that when we get a little glimpse such as cleavage, underboob, or my personal fave, side boob, we get excited! And I don’t necessarily mean sexually excited, but just enthusiastic in general. I am delighted to see a friend showing off their beautiful breasts with a little cleavage to say hello. The same thing is happening to our faces because of masks!

 

We’re all seeing everyone in public spaces covering most of their face. We can’t help but wonder, “What does the rest of that face look like? I think they’re attractive, but I’m not so sure.”  They are shrouded in mystery, making us dream and wonder what their smile might look like. Creating a pull towards them and their (possibly) beautifully masked face. Desperately wishing we could catch a glimpse…And then perhaps from a distance, even for just a second, they take off their mask and we see their face. What a delight!

 

Every time I’ve seen someone briefly take off their mask, I am always surprised by what their whole face looks like. It’s not like I’m consciously thinking of what the rest of their face looks like and constructing a picture in my head, but I am always surprised to see someone sans mask. This surprise can easily translate into excitement and attraction in seeing someone’s face. I recently had this happen to me in real life.

 

I had seen someone several times over a period of time, always with everyone in the space wearing masks. I suspected I was attracted to this person but wasn’t totally sure because of the mask. Having met them for the first time masked up, I wondered what the rest of their face looked like. Would I ever see them sans mask, even at a distance? Or would I forever wonder if they had a great or goofy smile? The mystery was electric! Then, after several times seeing this person masked up, they briefly took off their mask while speaking with me, and dear reader, I kid you not, my heart skipped a beat. I internally GASPED. Much like a queen on RuPaul’s Drag Race, I love a reveal! This person was even more attractive to me than I suspected!

 

We’re going to all be so used to seeing people with most of their faces concealed that we’ll begin to wonder, what do they really look like? When you take off your mask, at least one person in your vicinity is bound to be attracted to you. That’s science. The Boob Effect, if you will.

 

Everyone looks best when they smile! Being diligent about mask wearing during the pandemic is essential for keeping everyone safe and healthy, but also essential for your instant glow up once it’s safe to be mask free again. You’re welcome.

 

P.S. Take a drink every time I say the word “mask, masks, or masked” . You’re welcome again.

Some Good Bits Sprinkled Throughout

The twenty-fifth year of my life has been the worst year of my life.

I kicked off 25 by having eight (YES EIGHT!!!) of my friends cancel coming to my birthday party the day of (THE DAY OF!!!) when they’d all confirmed two weeks (TWO WEEKS!!!) prior that they’d be there. Things only got worse, harder, and sadder from there, but I’m not ready to write about that yet.

This year of my life, and 2019 in particular, has been really challenging. I’ve felt lost and sad in ways I’ve never experienced before, and it’s been extremely hard and discouraging. Although this year has sucked, there have been good bits sprinkled throughout.

I want to reflect on the things that I’ve done and the friends I have that helped me (and continue to help me) sprinkle those good bits throughout. Things that have helped me this past year, in no particular order:

1. Watching television

            -Re-watching the whole series of Broad City in preparation of the final season.

-The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, New York, Potomac, and Dallas

-Vanderpump Rules

-Grace and Frankie

            -Killing Eve

            -The Great British Baking Show

2. Friends that let me endlessly share my feelings with them without judgement: Hana, Drew, Mimi, Alexis

3. Friends that remind me to and help me to have fun: Alexandria, Amir, Sam, Brandon, Alexis

4. Unrequited and insignificant crushes

5. Feminist book club

6. My mom. She is amazing and would literally do anything for me at any time. And has.

7. My dad. He sends me quotes and emails so encouraging and beautiful they make me cry.

8. Hugs from my little brother. He is so sweet and good.

9. A listening ear from my older brother. He is blunt and says “that sucks” when things suck instead of trying to tell me things aren’t that bad, and I appreciate that.

10. Spending time outside

11. Growing plants, especially sunflowers, peppers, tomatoes, and some succulents

12. Making art, even if it’s not complete or “good” or even if I don’t understand what it is or why I’m making it.

13. Work. Teaching and writing have been wonderful, healthy, and fruitful distractions.

14. Therapy

15. Yoga and meditation, even when I don’t feel like it or I get easily distracted

16. Eating a lot of fruits and vegetables

17. Spending time putting on makeup and picking out a sassy outfit to go out with friends

18. Taking lots of selfies each time I put on makeup and a sassy outfit to go out with friends

19. SHAMELESSLY posting those selfies on Instagram

20. The stray cats in my apartment complex a.k.a Patio Cats

21. Going for wogs (walk/jogs). I coined that term. Feel free to use it, but plz give me full credit.

22. Allowing myself to feel my feelings and trying really hard not to judge myself for it

23. Crying. Eating ice cream. Wine. More crying.

24. Listening to lots of podcasts

            -“Not Too Deep with Grace Helbig”

- “This Might Get Weird”

-“Hannahlyze This”

-“How I Built This”

-“Armchair Expert”

-“You Made it Weird”

-“Don’t Blame Me”

-“On Being with Krista Tippett”

25. Watching Youtube videos

- Grace Helbig
-Mamrie Hart

-Carly and Erin

-Emma Chamberlain

-Ladylike

-The Try Guys

26. Spending time thinking about just myself

27. Deciding to do things just because they’re fun

28. Doing things alone. Hanging out with myself and remembering I really like me

29. Spending time with old friends who really know me

30. Spending time with my family

31. Personality tests, astrology, and crystals

32. Taking mini trips by myself to visit good friends

33. Taking my first trip by myself and flying alone for the first time

34. Going for walks

35. Saging my apartment while listening to Lizzo

36. Journaling even when it seems overwhelming and I end up crying

37. Getting matching tattoos with my mom

I’m really proud of myself for all of the hard work and love I’ve put into myself and my emotional well-being. I’m grateful for being able to binge watch my favorite tv shows. I’m thankful for my family. I’m thankful I can go to therapy. I’m thankful for friends who have been there for me in ways I’ve never needed them before. And I’m thankful for myself and my emotions and ability to process what I’m feeling even when it’s scary or overwhelming.

There’s a Zora Neale Hurston quote from Their Eyes Were Watching God that goes, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” This year has asked a lot of questions and provided few answers. That’s hard and continues to be hard. I imagine this next year will also keep asking questions, and I’m looking forward to when I start getting some answers. Until then, I’ll be painting, watching reality tv, and posting photos of my Patio Cats on Instagram.

Visiting The Fresh Market for the First Time

I walk in and am greeted by flowers. There are flowers to my left and right, the room is lit with warm goldish lights, and I see wine bottles dancing all around the room. I immediately feel calm and think to myself, “Is this what a spiritual awakening feels like?”

I’ve come for sushi and a bottle of wine (~fancy~), but on my way to find these things, I walk to the tea aisle. “This store probably has great tea,” I think to myself as my body moves towards the aisle on autopilot.

I look at the teas and feel inspired. When has someone ever felt inspired by tea? I do not know, but somehow I feel this way. They have so many options. Wow.

I weave out of this aisle and take a glance at the frozen section. A few small refrigerators filled with Annie’s mac and cheese and healthy frozen pizza. Of course.

I make my way to the center of the store and feel as if I’m floating. I circle around the middle area that has salads, sandwiches, and pasta salad in healthy portions for you to grab and go. “Wow, they really know their stuff,” I think to myself. “That is so convenient and healthy.” My eyes dart around the store and I feel calm and warm. Why and how, I’m not sure. The warm lights and hardwood floors and chalkboard aisle signs makes me think this store is important.

I find my way to the sushi, grab some, then walk over to the wine. There are beautiful baskets filled with wine on display all around the store. I take in my surroundings and all I can think is how much I need to buy some granola. I walk past the “bulk” section and immediately think I should grind my own almond butter even though I’ve never had almond butter before in my life, nor do I want to. But they have a cute section where you just turn a knob and some almond butter grinds for you, and there is a chalkboard sign explaining it all.

 I make my way to the wine and pick out the cheap wine I usually buy from CVS. This is Fresh Market- their cheap wine is probably a few bucks more than at CVS, but the wine is chilled and this store feels important and there’s granola and pre-made salads and tea everywhere so I don’t care!!!

I stand in line to check out and immediately think, “Maybe I should work here!” I already have two jobs and have never in my life had the desire to work at a grocery store, but Fresh Market makes me think this would be a great idea. I think of that episode of Bob’s Burgers where Linda works at a grocery store like this. It all started out great, but in the end Linda was happier working at the restaurant, I think to myself. I look to my left and see the flowers again.

I feel an urgent need to buy some. I contemplate getting out of line to go grab some flowers. “You deserve some,” I tell myself. “Treat yourself, it will brighten up your apartment.” I already have a slowly dying plant on my window-sill, I don’t need any flowers. But Fresh Market makes me think I need some!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!

I look at the “all natural” gum on the stand next to me. I think it’s weird, but it seems fancy and important and like Fresh Market really knows what they’re doing.

It’s my turn to check out. The woman ringing me up is wearing the sort of shoes you can imagine someone working at Fresh Market would wear. Beige slip ons. Her manager stands nearby, a 30ish year old man with a ponytail and beard. Everything here is exactly the way you could joke stores like this are, but I don’t care. I just want to buy all of the dehydrated fruit and organic granola in sight!!!

I buy only two things but somehow spend almost twenty dollars. When the cashier tells me my total I’m a little surprised, but I pay her anyway. On my way out I see a chalkboard sign advertising another product I think I need, but then realize I in fact do not.

I walk past those lovely flowers again and smell how sweet they are. I walk past a cute wicker basket filled with bags of chocolate drizzled popcorn and think, “Even the entryway before you come into the store looks nice. Wow.”

I walk to my car feeling calm and rejuvenated. How did they do that? Is there something in the air in that place? Was it really just those wood floors and warm lights? All I know is I spent too much money on wine and grocery store sushi, but I don’t even care. The Fresh Market was a beautiful, magical place.